My first post glazed over my anxiety regarding my wedding. I’m going to go into this in more detail – both to settle my mind and hopefully help others who may be in a similar boat wanting to jump overboard.
I’m nervous for my wedding because, put simply, everything COULD go wrong. I’m a master over thinker. I have a massive issue with my internal anxious monologue. I worry about anything and everything and mull it over and over in my head until it’s unbearable. So it’s only natural that I would begin to think about everything that could go wrong in the future.
Below are a list of things, in ‘shit I’m so worried about this’, order;
- We might get a divorce
- We might become tempted by other people in future
- What if his job means he has to leave for 2 months the day after our wedding and IT RUINS EVERYTHING
- If we do get a divorce, then I’m wasting his and his family’s money
- What if at the time of the wedding, we’ve been arguing loads
- What if I can’t afford my dress alterations
- My bridesmaids aren’t very close to me and I’m worried they’ll be unreliable
- What if I don’t look good in my dress
- What if the people on our guest list are really annoying and bring plus ones without asking?
As you can see, there are quite a few things I’m getting nervous about. Some of them are big, some of them are small, but all of them are VALID. Choosing to marry someone is a big commitment, you’re basically saying ‘there should be no reason we will ever break up ever’. That’s a damn big statement to make. What if, in 5 years time we hate each other and our relationships go like all of our previous ones have done? (there I go again). Not only do you tell yourself that everything has to go well, but society tells you everything has to go well too. My wedding is all anyone ever talks to me about these days. It’s as if they think I should be so excited that I can’t possibly think of anything else and I know they’re just trying to make conversation, but it’s talked about so much that it’s now the last thing I want to talk about! My grandma constantly asks me about my non existent diet,and tells me I must stop eating potato (ummm I certainly think NOT). And on top of all this what about the money! Oh god the money! I think I just lost £1k by thinking about it. On top of all this wedding stress, I think I also have PMS and I just moved house, as well as the general stress of life.
My partner is an amazing person, he’s compassionate, generous, smart, handsome, lovely to everyone he meets, hardworking, he wants to make me happy and he makes it clear every day. He’s easy to talk to, we have fun together and we have the same dreams. If you’re sure that you want to be with your partner, because they respect you and you respect them, because they love you and you love them and because you wouldn’t want to be with anyone else at this point in your life, then the following advice is for you. I’m not advocating that you try and make a wedding or a marriage work if you are in a toxic or abusive relationship.
So, with all that said and done, why are you scared and why is that okay?
To put it bluntly – IT’S TOTALLY NATURAL!
- You’re a naturally anxious person. If you’re like me, then it may just mean that you’re a really anxious person. I’m anxious about everything. ‘Maybe this person doesn’t like me because a year ago my tone was a little off when I said hello’ type of anxious. This anxiety can cause absolute havoc, especially when making large life changing decisions like getting married! Although it is not great to feel this way about things in your life, it’s not a deal breaker. There are things you can do to help yourself if you are a worrier (keep reading!)
- You’re stressed! In any difficult situation, stress takes its toll. This is no different during wedding planning. It’s unfortunate that being so stressed about getting married takes some of the fun and butterflies out of it, but you’re planning a very big day and that’s scary! Stress takes the fun out of so many things, and it makes you tired, foggy and even depressed. But this doesn’t mean that you and your relationship are doomed. It’s very normal to feel overwhelmed about massive life decisions!
- You’re making a massive commitment. Think about it – wouldn’t you be nervous if you just decided to move to Australia from the UK? I know that marriage isn’t asking you to get up and leave behind your family and friends, but you ARE leaving behind the ‘single life’. Whatever this means for you, you’re taking a massive step in legally committing to stay with someone for as long as you can (or till death do you part). It’s okay to be scared of committing, just make sure that you are READY TO COMMIT!
- It’s expensive! Unless you’re super savvy/ are getting married in the registry office – marriage can be bloody expensive. It’s horrible watching all of your hard earned money disappear in front of your eyes – even if it is paying for something wonderful.
- You’re scared of fighting/ getting divorced. This one is the killer for me, the one that makes me the most anxious. The thing is, it feels like everyone around me has gotten a divorce! My parents, my partners parents, my work colleagues, my grandparents etc.. It’s totally natural that you would be worried that a divorce could be inevitable. I find this one a very hard one to combat, as to me the idea of divorce sounds like the worst thing ever. But realistically – it’s not the end of the world to have to get a divorce. It’s okay to try and to fail. It’s okay if it just doesn’t work out in the long run.
- Because it doesn’t feel like it’s ‘supposed to’. We’ve all seen the Disney movies, the Rom-Coms, the happily ever afters. Most of us grew up watching them, most of us grew up believing in ‘the one’ and ‘that spark’. So how come you’ve found the person you want to marry and you haven’t had a fairy godmother visiting you to turn your rags into a wedding dress? The best way I can put it, and this is what I believe, is that ‘the one’ doesn’t exist. Call me a cynic, but there can’t be that one person out there who is perfect. So maybe you feel like something is missing, like there should be more ‘electricity’, but these expectations aren’t realistic. I see people all the time on social media flaunting their relationship and sharing about how it was love at first sight and how everything is amazing and they’re so in love, but try and remember that this is just a snippet of their imperfect life.
- Because the people around you are putting too much pressure on you! I remember when I got engaged, everyone TOLD me how happy I must be, the colleagues I didn’t even know fakely ‘awwed’ at my ring. My extended family all wanted to meet him, his extended family all wanted to meet me. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed people being happy for me, but I don’t love to be the center of attention. Like I mentioned earlier, people just never want to shut up about my wedding. In almost every social interaction I have with people I don’t see every day, their questions are ‘how’s the wedding planning going’, ‘are you trying to lose weight’, ‘have you got everything sorted for the wedding?’, ‘has he got everything sorted?’, ‘when is it again?’, ‘how long have you been together again?’, ‘where are you going on a honeymoon?’. I just want to grab them and tell them to STOP! STOP PUTTING SO MUCH PRESSURE ON ME! I know, they’re really trying to be nice, and I feel guilty for feeling bad about their kindness, but it adds so.much.pressure! When you feel like your whole life is your wedding, it can get extremely stressful, and we know how stress makes us feel!
What can you do to feel a bit better?
After having a conversation with my husband to be, we came up with some things I can do to ease all the anxiety I’m feeling. I’m going to share a short but hopefully useful list of things you can do to help ease your mind.
- Talk to your partner – this is extremely important. Although you don’t have to tell your partner everything, they need to know how you’re feeling about your wedding and marriage, especially if you’re bloody terrified about it! They may be able to offer you more insight into the way you’re feeling.
- Spend more time without your partner. If you spend all your time with your spouse, it’s not only unhealthy for your relationship but it’s unhealthy for you personally. You need to spend time doing things alone so that you can remain an independent person.
- Meditate. If you’re an anxious person, meditation can really help you to find your balance and, in turn, make you feel better about those large life decisions (like marriage) that you’re making.
- Be healthy! Whatever this means to you, do more of it! For me, being healthy means walking, going to the gym and eating well (I’m not saying I do these things, but I should). I know from past experience that being healthy really helps to change my state of mind – it’s scientifically proven.
- Do more things FOR YOU that make you happy. Perhaps your partner doesn’t like doing all the things that you do and that’s causing a rift and further anxiety? or you just do everything together and you don’t enjoy all these things either. Although it can be hard to ‘break away’ from your partner and do things by yourself, you need to do things that make YOU happy. When you’re serving yourself and doing more that you enjoy, you will probably be a happier person and in turn, have a happier relationship.
- Journal. Writing a journal really helps to get everything out of your system. This is great if you are filled with anxiety, if you don’t feel you want to share ALL of your problems with another person, and if you like to write!
- Take a break from the wedding planning. If the wedding pressure is getting to you, then take a break. Don’t talk about it, don’t plan any part of it, don’t search pintrest for fun wedding ideas. Just chill out and take it off your mind for a while!
- Talk to your friends, family and others in your situation – let your friends and family know how you feel, tell them as much or as little as you want. It can really help to vent and to get a little perspective from people who know you best.
- Cut back on your budget – do you really need the extra tier on your wedding cake? does everyone need a magnificent bouquet? It’s up to you, but there are always ways to cut costs. If the money is what’s scaring you, then have a good look into your wedding budget.
- Have you considered therapy? Perhaps you need personal therapy to get you over some deep rooted anxiety, or perhaps, after talking to your partner, you decide you may need pre-marital therapy. This is not something to be ashamed about, almost everyone wants or needs therapy at some point in their lives, and needing therapy for your relationship does not mean that it is failing – it means you care enough to want to make it better.
I really hope that this mixture of anxiety/wedding advice helps someone, even if only one person. If, like me, being an anxious person is your main issue – have a look at some verified mental health websites and see what you can do to help yourself.
https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/anxiety-and-panic-attacks/self-care-for-anxiety/
https://www.anxietyuk.org.uk/
https://www.helpguide.org/articles/anxiety/anxiety-disorders-and-anxiety-attacks.htm
*Disclaimer* – I’m in no way a professional and have no professional qualification in any of the advice above, I’m simply sharing my experience and my advice.
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